Figuring It Out

When one thinks of big birthdays in their early life, they think of 16, 18 or 21 because of all the implications behind each one of those. No one really talks about turning 20 and everything that comes with it.

I turned 20 about a week ago, and it was a really eye-opening day for me. I’m not someone who is super fond of their birthday. I remember journaling on my birthday last year, saying that it feels like an “anti-holiday” because I hate the attention and the expectation that I need to celebrate, because I never was someone that had a lot of people to celebrate with. In fact, I would go as far as saying that my birthday is one of my least favorite days of the year, usually.

This year, though, was a polarizing one. It was normal: I went to class and lived normally. This year, though, I was lucky to have incredible friends that I’ve met here at UT Austin who were there for me to treat me to a celebratory birthday.

Throughout the day, though, I felt very on and off about how I felt about turning 20. People always ask on birthdays: “Do you feel any different now that you’re [insert age]?”

That question is such a weird one, to which I almost always responded, “No? Should I?” After all, it’s just one of 365 days. This year, however, I felt like my answer was actually a yes.

It felt like I needed to figure my entire life out. I was actually an adult this time; definitely more so than the senior-year me who thought he was an adult because he was finally 18. I’m 20 now, and in a couple of years, I will be searching for a career, and I need to lay that foundation out now.

That sentiment has some truth to it, but it’s still a false belief used to scare someone. In fact, I don’t think we ever need to have it “all figured out.” It’s hard to claim that as someone who has been 20 for a week, but having it all figured out takes away from any impulsivity, adventure, and spontaneity.

We never have to have it all figured out; we just need to have today figure out, and in turn, tomorrow will figure itself out. If we continue to try figure today out, days string into months, into years, and suddenly you’ll look back and realize life figured itself out because you stood on both feet and figured everyday out without having to freak out about what life has in store years down the road.